Your the Only Star in the Sky

i miss you

2005-09-04T17:53:29Z

how much does it suck to lose the most perfect person!!

i don't want anyone but you... and trust me.. I'll wait...

<3 r.m.

No one looks here anyway...

2005-09-02T01:07:15Z

Well, I decided to post since no ones looks here anymore! So yeah... school has started, and I frankly don't like it at all!! I just want it to be over! I feel like this is such a bullshit year, and I don't like doing bullshit things! The only classes I'm really looking forward to are Psychology and Musical Theatre ... and Photography, lol. the rest I could really care less about! Blah... so anyway.. the real reason I'm posting here... Robby! No ones understands.. at all.. how much it really does hurt. I think I joke around about it, but tey just don't get it. I seriously cry all the fucking time, hear a god damn song... cry... whatever! We did break up mutually.. I really don't want to hold him back when he goes off to college, and it would probably hurt more to be with him while he's there... but yeah. I really do love him, so much, and no ones understand that either. I don't even think Robby really realizes how much I care for him. And we don't even talk anymore, he says he "needs time to let it sink in that we aren't together anymore" WTF is that about!!! I don't get it at all! Jessica didn't like him in the first place, so she hasn't been there. And no one else realizes how serious it was. UGH!!! I just really want to get away from here! We were only together for a fucking month, and yeah... it sucks, and I hate it, and I can't stop thinking about him... and I hate that too!! Sometimes I honestly don't think he really cares about me... or why else would he not be talking to me... I dunno... Im starting to cry so I'm gonna go...

A New Beggining...

2005-05-10T23:52:15Z

Well... it's Tuesday May 10, as you know.. and it's 7:19, though I'm sure it will be later when I finish writing this. So, it's coming... summer is almost here, I can feel it in the air... I must say I am very excited! This is the turning point in everyones life. I'll be a senior next year, things will start to change... so looking forward to it, and so looking forward to actually enjoying it. I've never really divided the years by "It's January 1st, a new year." I've always seen the summer as a new "year", dunno why, just have. So yeah. Going to be alot of changes People I've been used to being around for years will be gone, people I love, BLAH!! But it's not over!! I really don't even know where I'm going with this, I'm in such a good mood right now and I honestly don't even know why! Ok so

Matt: I love you so much!! As many times as I have said "I wish he would just get AIDS and die already." I've thought of how great of a person you are even more! We've been through alot together since we broke up, and even before then, and somehow we have made it through, in whatever state it may be in. I'm glad to have you as a friend, and I don't know where I would be had we lost it.

Jessica: I know you won't read this, I don't even think you know of this, but yeah. Wow... I don't know what to say about you, but I love you so much too!! You're my best friend, and I couldn't ask for a funnier, PRETTIER, better best friend :P

Kellie: You know... you annoy me alot sometimes... but who could just throw away 13 years of friendship... besides, I don't really know where I would be without your friendship. You make me realise things about myself, thing I need to change for the better. Besides, although you annoy, I have fun with you, and you're a great person, a great friend, and I'll be sure to go buy that white shirt soon ;)

Derek: It was nice knowing you.... oh wait I never knew you!!! Imagine that!

Astrid: Well, what can I say about my favorite mexican!! You're the most honest, grounding, true friend I think I have ever had! I can tell you things and you don't judge me you just understand, and as much as I want someone to slap me and tell me what I'm doing wrong, I love your understanding and honesty just as much if not more so, and no matter what anyone says, I think you're a great person, and I am truly privilidged to know you!! (did I spell privildged right?)

Kate: You know Kate.. I really hate you sometimes!!! With your bi-polar attitude and sexual harrasment.. UGH ANNOYS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!! BUT... i love you I can't explain it, when your not harrasing me, or being all weird... you have this absolutely attracting love thing going on. I honestly can't explain it. Like when we burnt down Jessicas house, and I had been all strong and shit and then broke down you were the one to comfort me, and I don't remember what else you did, but my heart just sank when you did it and it made me think "Whatever she does, I just have to love her!!"

Cassie: I'm only your friend because I know you will be famous some-day ;) lol Kidding!!! But I know your going to make it, and your talent, and drive are only a few things that pull me to you. Yeah, I read your journal and some of the things you said, but it really doesn't matter. I know the way I feel for you isn't fake, I know I truly see you as a friend, and that's all that matters. LOVE YOU!!

Heather: I don't really know what to say about you. You're so unique, we all are. I can't put my finger on what it is that I like about you, but I do. I know I seem annoyed sometimes, and I am sometimes, but that doesn't mean shit, because it will all be gone the next day. Your quarkyness is so funny, in a good way. And you are a good friend =)

Linda: You probably think I'm so neurotic dramatic gay whore but oh well! You're so cute and innocent (even though you are VERY far from innocent 0-:)) and we haven't been VERY good friends, but I'd like to think we are friends, and all my friends mean so much to me, as do you. I'm going to miss you so much next year, it just won't be the same! I love you SO much!!

Valerie: Val Val Val... boy did you used to annoy me too soooooo much. But I've realized what I was missing. You are so special, and you are so driven and I LOVE that about you, I really do! You are SO nice SO sweet, and SO full of life! If you can channel all of that, you have it made in the acting business, I hope to see you on the big screen!!! And DON'T forget the little people bitch!!

Bruce/ Anthony: OMG, have I EVER seen SO MUCH fucking gay drama before?! NO!!! And it really really really really really pisses me off because both of you are REALLY great people, I'm not lying at all. I don't really know you Anthony as much as I would like to, but I know you both are wonderful people, apart from all the shit that goes on. So, get your shit together, because you both deserve better (I didn't say than each other, I simply mean you both deserve better situations) because you are two great guys.

Mitchell: If there is anyone I have treated like absolute shit it would be you. You really don't know how much I regret it, truly. You are so nice, so thoughtful, so crazy But yeah. I'm sorry, truly I am!!! Love you!!

Well, my finger are starrting to hurt, as well as my brain, but just a small list of other people I love JUST AS MUCH as everyone else, and who have been just as much, if not more influential in my life:

Rachel, Morgan Phillips, Laura Nichols, Tessa :D (I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! So trying to talk my parents into buying me a plane ticket for my birthday)

Yeah, I really can't think anymore... but if you think I left you off the list, then leave a comment, and I will be sure to add you because you all deserve your own little thingy, and don't worry, for those of you on the lsit, you'll have you own little thingy soon :P

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!

I have these feelings....

2005-05-08T20:57:21Z

Oh how I would just love to get my hands around dereks neck.... god fucking christ he annoys the shit out of me.... if there is annoying out there more fake than he is then I'm fucking madonna.... i hate him so much...

WHAT THE FUCK?!

2005-05-01T14:21:19Z

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH PEOPLE?! IS IT "LET ME BE A BITCH" MONTH?! JESSICA... DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS UP HER ASS, BUT IM SICK OF IT! I thought SHE WAS A FRIEND... BUT I'M STARTING TO RETHINK THAT NOW! OH... AND ANOTHERE DEREK LET DOWN. I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER ANYMORE... OR WHY I GET UPSET.. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING EVERY FUCKING TIME... "SURE WE'LL DO SOMETHING" "OH... SOMETHING JUST CAME UP RANDOMLY" FUCKING CHRIST... I'M SO SICK OF IT... IM SERIOUSLY DOUBTING WHETHER I HAVE ANY REAL FRIENDS...

Hmm... not too good at the creative titles part!

2005-03-28T17:52:56Z

Where to begin? I guess I'll start with my favorite part of late... Jess, Morgan, and I went to H2O Saturday night... might I just say.. it was AWSOME! Kinda felt stupid, having to go to an under 21 club, but whatever, I had a great time. It was a little awkward at first, no one was dancing, but after awhile everyone started to dance. It was so just like in the movies, toward the end, they started playing techno instead of the stupid hip-hop, and turned on the strobes and the water and foam. It was soooo awsome, just like in the movies, Jess and I were gettin it down, haha. I spotted no gay guys though :( Oh well, it was sooo much fun! Def. will be going back!! School is going ok. I'm actually getting a B in english, a major accomplishment, haha. If I could get my stats and history up to a B, I would be doing excellent! Still looking for the right guy, and haven't been able to find him yet :/. Guess I shouldn't really worry about that too much, since I'm only 16, but yeah. I'll be 17 soon :P 3 months! OH! I'm going on this National Student Leadership Conference thing in Chicago for the arts. I'm excitied. But... I have to share a room with a guy, I think I have to share a bathroom with like.. the whole floor, and I think I have to do a talent showcase thing at the end, but it may be optional.. but yeah. Honestly, I'm mostly doing it for the awsome college recomendations they give, but hey, whatever works. I'm still excited! I've also been thinking about a summer job. Mitchells offered me a job at their summer camp. I should find out how much they are going to pay. I really need a steady job... so I dunno... spending the whole summer with a binch of kids just doesn't sound too exciting, although getting into shape does, so we'll see. And of course, we are back to Bruce... -_- FUCKING KILL ME!! I hate having feelings for me, I really do, but I can't make them go away, WTF, I hate it.. and of course it doesn't help that he's started talking to me lately. I asked him, last night, if he wanted to do something today... he said he would give me a call... he hasn't... not suprised... get my hopes up for nothing, that's just like me! Blah... I want to go out and do something. What would I do? Go to the mall, that's all there's fucking to do in Salisbury, I FUCKING hate it here! lkdhsk;SlfajSljs FUCKING A!!!

Oh yeah, and Scott's being a total queer! I get home from work the other night, and he IM's me and starts bitching about his mother. How he wishes she would get run over so he can watch her die in the hospital and all this shit. And how he only loves her for her money.... all because she was worried abouthim and wouldn't let him go to a toga party. What a fucking asshole. The women who had enough love to adopt you and love you and raise you.. and that's all the respect you have for her! And so I told him to shut the fuck up up because I know he doesn't really feel like that... And goes all crazy... telling me I'm just a bad as Matt and all this shit. What an asshole! That really pissed me off! Sure I bitch about my mother, but that doesn't mean I don't love her.... the things he said were completely stupid and un-called for! So now he won't talk to me... not much of a loss if that's the kind of person he is... but w/e

Well.. I guess I'll go back to being a stupid idiot waiting around for Bruce to call, although I know he won't....

Old Times

2005-01-26T03:27:25Z

Hmmm... found two photo albums of Matts on yahoo, ones he put alot of photos in with him and me and jordan and mere.... :( I miss all of that sooooo much!! Don't necessarilly miss the Matt AND me factor, but I miss us all being friends, yes yes, even Matt! I can honestly say those were the happiest times of my life!!! ANd I screwed that up too...

ANother day...

2005-01-24T03:16:05Z

Well.. it's another day... a Sunday to be exact. No school tomorrow, which is awsome, but I expected it, so w/e....

Have a stye in my eye... which means my eye is swollen.. which means.. I look even more like shit than I normally do, wonderful!

Just thought i'd apologize about my entry before last, it was selfish and immature... but hey.. the person this is mainly directed to.. thinks my apologies are full of shit... so... hey.. w/e.. i don't care... I know they aren't.... so yeah

Bruce... Bruce Bruce Bruce... I don't even know what to say... been on my mind, not like it matters.. he doesn't even know I exists anymore... which seems to be happening alot with alot of people... ugh I just hate myself sometimes... well more than sometimes but yeah... (referring back to my previos entry)

...

2005-01-19T03:35:46Z

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
that I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry

When I cry
When I am sad I think of every awful thing I ever did
Oh When I cry, there is no love,
No there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry,
Cry, cry

The salt inside my body ruins everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
I am so tired of looking at my feet
Or all the secrets that I keep

My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread

Oh look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh I lost any hope of having a sweet life
So I cry,
Cry, cry

...

2005-01-17T03:33:01Z

I Hate You, I Love You, I Just Can't Remember to Forget You.. Who Are You?

Thanks...

2005-01-16T03:50:01Z

Thanks alot Matt... why do you have to be such a slut?! Now I'm known in the little "gay community" as the guys who dated Matt and now people think Im a slut! Thanks... by the way, grow the fuck up, if you continue on this little route of yours, you'll have slept with evry guy on earth by the time you realize you've make a mistake! Your ruining your life... I hope you know that!

Ugh... and now I find out Derek is a slut too! I FUCKING HATE Salisbury! I hate gay people.. I hate being gay... I don't even know what to do anymore... I'd kill myself... I would.. but. I don't have the guts... too scared of where I would go.. and too afriad I'd miss something, that it could get better, or experiencing the rest of my life...

Fuck salisbury

Hottie?

2005-01-10T03:10:23Z

So, post hair change, and fashion break-through (with help of Jessica) I am apparently a hottie, as supported by Rachel and Caitlin, and others...

I jsut don't see it... and I don't think the guys do either.. lol.. WELL THEY NEED TO!! lol

Met this guy (Derek... I don't know whether to kill you... or thank you yet) He's cute.... and sweet.. and all that good stuff... but I dont really know him much yet.. so I dont know if I like him or not....:/

so yeah... im hungry... raisin bread... lol :P

Hmm..

2005-01-04T03:34:27Z

Well... felt like a change.. so... cut off all my hair :-p hehe... I love it... I just hate all the first day hype about it >< "omg your hair" "omg i love it" Blah.. it's just hair

Was in v. good mood today. All the shit not worth getting pissy over... besides, not much shit. Apart from the not so lovely thoughts about not having a BF, I'm happy, things are going good. Have to right a ten page essay on poetry shit for english... oh well... I actually wrote a GOOD paper for the hellbeast.. and got an 85.. which is huge acc. so I feel good about it. Have History test tomorrow, which will study for in boring env. sci. Psycholoy test is a piece of cake. Latin... tutoring tomorrow, so will be all ready for that make-up... Mom going to bitch out hellbeast.. and will prove to her that i can ace her damn word wealth shit. Have to make-up a "take home" stats test.. which I will do tomorrow, and will be easy... and after that, I will be all caught up and ready for a new year great year, lol :P SO far on track!

What the fuck goes on in my twisted mother fucking head. I was watching Real World/ Road Rules... and whenever I saw Shane I thought of Anthony... weird... no.. no... no deep crushes on him. Just one of those people I wish I could be friends with, but yeah.. could never work.

Of course Bruce still haunts me, which is oh so wonderful .
I wish it was warm.. and raining.. I wanna go for a walk with Kellie in the rain.. just walk around and have our usual deep comvos... I miss the rain... :/ (I'll never forget how you made me feel that night... it was a great feeling... thanks..-no sarcasm.. really-)

Blah.. I'm ready for summer.. sigh.. it's almost here, these next few months are going to fly by... "time flys when your having fun".. and I intend to have fun :P

blah.. don't know what else to say.. until next time

New Years

2005-01-01T18:33:58Z

Well... what an interesting new years eve.... worked.. until 6 in the morning... but it's all good. made alot of money.... it was fun too, everyone at work is sooooo awsome! Blah yeah.. lol

Don't really know what to say... just felt like updating...

New Years Resolution: Find a hott ass BF who's not - a slut, an asshole, a cheater, a liar, a "player"... yeah... yeah...

FUCK YOU!!!!!

In Florida

2004-12-22T00:52:31Z

Well.. in Florida... my grandparents have a computer... but we're only staying here until thursday... then we're going to my uncles....

The weather is great.. nice and warm... and doesn't feel like winter at all :D This ride down wasn't THAT bad.. mostly slept and watched movies... drove for about two hours but gave that up because I looked like shit and didn't want people seeing me... haha...

But it does fucking suck that I don't have anyone here... ugh.. JESS WHERE ARE YOU!!! Never forgiving my parents for this... "You can't bring Jessica... why don't you bring Bruce.. or Derek.. Or Mitchell" WTF ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY MOTHER!!!! idiot

So here I sit... in my grnadparents trailer... it's actually nice.
Can't go anywhere because I have no clue where anything is, and don't want to go anywhere with my parents.

I am determined to find me a hott guy! The second I get to Fort Lauderdale.... (well maybe the day after since we'll get there late rin the day)... I am going shopping! Mall here I come...

You know.. I don't think I could be any more bored... actually I could be.. and will be when I get to my uncles... but then again he has cable... and doesn't live in a retirment trailer park... so maye it's balanced out.

Did alot of thinking again in the car.. uh-oh I know. Just thinking about people and stuff.. and stuff I've screwed up. I'm such an idiot!! >< I dunno.. rather not say why.. lol.. of course it's a guy thing.. and it actually has nothing to do with Bruce.. haha.. which ha been the topic of most of my bitching recently, lol.

Oh.. and did I mention I'm anorexic? Yes.. it's true... but only because there IS NO FUCKING FOOD IN THIS TRAILER!!! NONE!!! IM NOT KIDDING!!! NOT EVEN MILK!!!!! It's all canned corn.. and canned beans.. and canned shit.. and canned crap. Ugh, I'm going to die by Thursday! Tomorrow.. I am going... SOMEWHERE.. tere has to be a mall or something... I saw some outlets around Orlando.. can't be more than 25 minutes away... grr

I could not miss Salisbury anymore right now.

And this leads into the whole college bit... ugh, ONE MORE YEAR.. THANK GOD!!! I can't wait to go.. sooo excited! And Arcadia really seems to want me.. lol.. they kepe sending all this stuff, and I actually like it. Morgan said she was thinking of going there. SWEET... Just have to get Jess to go, because there is honestly NO way I'm going anywhere with her.. lol... I couldnt go to college without at least one person I know. That would fucking suck ass! Haha... yeeeeeeah

Pretty much rambling on right now!

Oh yeah. I got a digital camcorder for christmas.. it's soooo cute and small.. and actually like good quality.. lol. So therefore.. in celebration... Jess.. Kellie.. and I made a small movie.. it's really good.. I'll post it online when I get home :P Id do it now but this is dial up and the file would be way to big to do it with dial up.

I should play a game with myself... let's see how bored I can get.... wouldn't have to try that hard!

-sigh- Guess I've run out of things to talk about, lol... about to go watch The Amazing Race... -grumbles without anything to eat it's going to suck-.... so yeah... if I don't update and ramble tomorrow guess I'll be seeing you all at home...

later

Song of Now: Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla
Movie of Now: Bulletproof Monk (but about to watch Rose Red)
Book of Now: Death in the Clouds - Agatha Christie
Clothes of Now: Cut off dress pants.. Communist Start tee (not a comm. just thought it was pretty).. Ugly (thats the brand name) button down shirt... sex bracelets... start wrist band.. rubber bands.. piece of old shirt wrist band... cross necklace (which was Kellies moms communion necklace.. lol).. and fitted metal ball necklaces.. lol.. what a description

...

goodbye

2004-12-20T23:27:35Z

well.. off to florida... ugh, i really don't want to go... I HATE being an only child and having assholish parents... yes I know i said i had a brother... but he's 30... he moved out even before i was born... so im prety much an only child.... and of course my parents wont let me bring jess because my mother is a fucking bitch..

lovely...

and of course anthony and bruce are back together... AGAIN... i completely give up... anthony.. you can hate me all you want.. but yes.. i like bruce.. alot... and of course that ONE night didnt help... dont know what the fuck was up with that... guess bruce was horny.... fuck that...

so now... off to florida.with no computer.... meaning no communication with anyone i remotley care about... great.... looks like it's going to be a wonderful christmas for me.. again...

oh yeah.. and fuck you life... and god... neither of you have done a god damn thing for me

Oh the joy of christmas

2004-12-19T16:47:48Z

Oh how I love thee CHRISTmas... psh... right..

Went to Jessicas moms graduation yesterday... interesting experience... was sitting next to this SUPER HOTTT guy... he was def. gay... anywho.. had these grisl behind us with a foghorn.. but they got it taken away hahahaha... but yeah.. that made me wanna get to college all that much faster.... Jessica saw her hottie Matt there from work... im sure he thinks we're stalking him... he graduated summa cum laude with two degress.... wow...

After that was work.. lemme tell ya... very interesting...
I had fun.. I like myself when im in a good mood :-p lol.... (until 12 OCLOCK WHEN I WAS STILL FUCKING THERE) but yeah.. we had a wedding reception.. so that means... alot of drunk people.. lol.. i was walking in to make the rounds for dishes... and these two hott girl (im gay all the way.. but they were hott) pulled me into a picture with them lol.. I was "cute" "IM GAY BITCHES.. get that hottie over there in with us ;)" That was interesting.... foudn out im going to be working until 3:30 in the morning on new years eve... holy fuck i btter be bussing.. or i wont be a happy camper...

since we're going to florida for christmas... we're opening gifts tonight... my brother is actually going to show his face.... he really annoys me sometimes... he lives fucking 30 minutes away.. and we NEVER see him... EVER... fucking pothead... oh.. guess ive never mention the pot i found in his kitchen before....

And I tell ya.. if I don't find someone who ISNT A FUCKING SLUT... ONE GOOD GUY.. im going to shoot myself... why the fuck is it that the sluts get all the guys.. but the good guys can't get any... fucking gay guys... idiots... they need to get a reality check and learn that they cant keep sleeping around... oh well.. not my problem... they'll realize... after it's too late

I think.. Dan needs to do some shopping... (no im not flaming like that)... if i'm going to florida.. then i need some clothes ><... hey.. c'mon... need to be hott for the florida guys :-p

hmm.. so I'm thinking it's cold in here... and my MOTHER needs to fucking hook my computer back up so I don't have to use hers

hmm... maybe I shouldn't say this.. but number one.. I'm not obssessed.. lol.. really.. but.. (and I can't say his name... ) im never going to give up on you... unless of course you make it clear that there is nothing there.. then fuck that.. but.. there was something there at one time... maybe there still is... ...... we all go a little insane...

PS: it's not you scott...

hm... that's it :D

Song of Now: So Far Away - Crossfade
Book of Now: Mysterious Affair at Styles - Agatha Christie
Movie of Now: Pride and Prejudice
Clothes of Now: Shorts and a Blanket
Food of Now: Tummy Growling
Thought of Now: Where Are you!!!!

joy joy joy joy down in my heart

2004-12-15T03:44:14Z

wanting to go to bed.... if i have to spen another night knowing ive no one to spend it with im going to go insane. I wish i wasnt gay... i would not be this way if i were... fucking sucks! Jessica is staying tonight because her mom never came and got her... that's an adventure :-p i kinda wanna sneak out in commemeration... but im too tired... besides, nowhere to go... story of my life.... no where to go

drama club party tomorrow... im excited, love drama, love the people... just love it all.... miss everyone though.. jordan... heather.. jason.. bev... all them...

so.. starting new years resolutions early....

1) don't give a shit so much about people who don't matter
2) be more self confident...
3) find a fucking hott guy to throw in certain peoples faces... and then possibly ACTUALLTY BE HAPPY FOR ONCE (justin.. (from balt.) that hott guy would be you... )
4) of course... let's be cliche... do better in school... will it happen? we shall see
5) buy lots mroe clothes...

that's it... for now... dont smoke.. noot an alcohlic or druggie.. so... no cliches there...

wow.. i can't even begin to describe how i feel... i really am going nuts... if summer doesn't come to my rescue soon... well then fuck me...

BLAH EFFING BLAH

fuck is such a good word...

desperate for changing
starving for truth....

(my song lyric for the entry)

jhdslufsd;a

2004-12-14T23:26:29Z

fuck that shit.... thanks for leading me on... and then completely crushing me... you know who you fucking are...

In dedication to Ren.. :-D

2004-12-14T03:23:04Z

Well, it's been awhile since I've had my depressive entry... I think... so this one goes out to Ren, who for some twisted reason enjoys them, hehe... -hugs-

So... back to the good 'ole boyfriend bit. Saw Anthony today in psych class, never realized how cute he is before... lol.. and that sucks, but oh well... lol... been thinking alot about Derek and how much I royally fucked that up... i love how I do that, fuck things up because im a self righteous bitch.... so Derek... I'm truly sorry... it was my mistake... im an idiot... BLAH EFFING BLAH... totally given up on Bruce... kinda tried to whole friend thing.. I just can't couldn't do that.. and he doesn't even talk to me anymore.. and Anthony completely hates me.. which is even more lovely... because Ive never wanted anything more to be friend wit him because I think he's a cool guy... BLAH...

And have I ever said before how.. I COMPLETLEY FUCKING HATE WINTER!!!!!!!
I hate the mood im in in the winter.. I feel so supressed, whereas in the summer i feel so freeeee.. lol... not to mention i hate cold and coldness and BLAH FUCKIGN SNOW IF ITS GOING TO BE COLD!!!! grr... and i can tell ya... im not fucking going back to school in august... HELL NO!!!!... unless we graduate early.. then ok.. ;)

So.. Ive gone on a little fashion stint... need clothes clothes clothes... lol... people probably think im a poser... but.. guess what.. I DONT CARE!!!! If i like it... then that's all that matters... :-p besides.. they dont have a fashion for mainly emo.. a dash of punk here and there... alternative rock.. and then a small mix of everything else ;)... OH WAIT THEY DO!!!.. it's me ;) lol.. that sounds so arrogant.. oh well

-sigh-
I was thinking about summer nights awhile ago.. and my stomach just caved... i miss summer so much :( this summer is going to be my last summer in high school :-/

BUT THEN OFF OT BRITAIN!!!!! WITH THE HOT BRITISH GUYS!!!! WITH KEL AND JESS AHHHHHHHHHHHH

So.. Major points: Hott as mother fucker... you need to be here now!!!; Summer... where the FUCK are you.. come back now before I beat your ass.... THis month.. I'm ana eclectic mix of fashion... my CD of the month is Third Eye Blind... and summer nights... (NOT the song)... needs to come back.. NOW YOU HOEBAG!!!!

Been awhile

2004-11-29T02:51:08Z

Well it's been awhile, so I decided I'd update.. since it's good to rant.. and I need to...

Well... I'm 16... 16 years old... i'm so young.. and why do I find it such a priority to have a boyfriend? I hate it so much.. and I hurt over it so much.. which sucks even more because as much as I try not to care I do.. and everytime i see a hott guy i get all depressed.... and then i'm all like "well im not good enough anyway".. I mean come on... I haven't exactly had the best BFs giving me self confidence.. Matt cheated on me.. that was just a huge burst of self-c... Justin.. I wasn't dating him.. but he was so sweet and soo cute and he seemed really into me.. then that just fell apart.. and we hardly talk anymore... Bruce looked at me as a one night stand (even though we didn't have sex).. which kinda UGHS me that it all happened so fast in one night and UGH... and then of course Derek..was my fault.. wasnt fully over Matt so i broke up with Derek.. and then when i did get the balls to realize what a good thing i had.. he found... yupp you guessed it... a hotter... sweeter.. BF

So yeah.. basically... I can't stop thinking about Bruce... he could care less about me... and I'm left pining after these guys who I have 0 chance with.. I don't even know if some of them are gay...

I don't want to live the rest of my life alone.. but I feel like that's where I'm headed

i dont know what the fuck to do

What the fuck?

2004-10-30T03:50:51Z

Who the hell keeps... every.. single.. note from their ex? What the fuck? So I'm cleaning and being all trading spaces-ey... and I find like 30 notes that Matt had written me... ugh. I can honestly 100%, whole-heartedly, in every way over him. But it was still weird... I didn't like it >< But I don't have the heart to get rid of them... Matt and I have definently grown apart from each other.. and still haven't really gotten over our last fight... but I kinda think it's good... I really needed to get away from him and figur out who I am without him... and I haven't exactly accomplished figuring out who I am... but I'm without him... which is good... I guess... but I do miss him...

Let's see.. apart from that... things.. in certain ways.. have gotten a little better... I'm still a little confused and unorganized.. but it just feels better... school is SLOWLY getting better... have this complete school-boy crush on this guy -Andrew Grifith- ... I love how I completely misconstrue everything.. he looks at me and I freak out... Kellie calls it the looks of lurve... so of course I think he HAS to be AT LEAST curious or something... I'm such a dork... he's probably some huge homophobe...

Apart from that... my mind has again run completey wild with this other guy that I've had a crush on for awhile... all this shits happened to him recently and of course I thought he hated me because he hadnt talked to me... after I told how much I liked him... and then of course he gets things together and KINDA starts talking to me... so he MUST like me right? Wrong again Dan... of course he doesnt like me... he had a fucking BF... which I don't even want to go into THAT right now...

And so... no one else let in Salisbury... for me... and it's my fault I have such high standards... which is particulary idiodic on my part since I'm not anything special... so I'm def. not going to find the kind of guy I want... which sucks fucking ass because of course I can't like someone if they don't it my god damn standards... blah...

Hmm... Ah.. Derek... Derek Derek Derek... not a big fan right now... find out all this shit about him.. which is completely NOT GOOD SHIT... ugh... I just wanna throw his head into a wall and bring him to his god damn senses... it's his birthday... I'm 100% sure he's of somewhere drunk off his ass... not to mention about 3 other things he's probably doing... which are just as bad... and i also love how he's like "Dan.. I miss you.. we need to hang out more..like really" and that's where it ends... not once have I heard from him wanting to do anything....

AND IM SIXTEEN... 16... 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. and I'm worried about having a BF.. I should be worried about keeping my car clean... wtf... I hate being so dependent in that regard.. I'm starting to think I need a shrink with all this shit...

Oh yeah... let's add this... I'm caught in between two friends that are fighting... who both have VALID points against the other... AND Jessica is being a complete ho ass mother fucker... I tell my boss I want to bus for the halloween party... and THATS IT... so he changes the schedule and Im busing and Jess is dishing... and she blames EVERYTHING.... E-V-E-R-T-H-I-N-G on me... It's MY fault shes dishing... it was HER job first not mine... its MY fault she wont have any tips that she desperatley needs... thats she spends on mcdonalds.. or a smoothie... and it's MY fault that she lives with drunk, druggie, shitville parents... what a fucking bitch... what's next.. it's MY fault she got the police called on her for being a whore!!!

SO yeah.. that's where I am right now... One of the guys I like doesn't know I exist... the other is out with his BF... Jess is mad at me because everything is MY fault.. Kellie being all homey and her Mom is being a complete BITCH... Drama sucks ass.. oooh drama... basically.. we have the potential to have a good play... but Val is being overbearing.. and the actors SUCK FUCKING ASSS... not to mention Val chose one of the leads JUST because he's hott and she likes him... and brags of how good an actor he is... when... he's not... (if your reading this by some freak chance.. i DONT hate you or anything.. I dont know you.. just going by what I see... your good at sound though.. he.. he :-/)

Uuuummmm... looking like my halloween party is going to suck ass... nothing but uncomfortable anger on my part...

So yeah... now that my little decorating stint was ruined... I guess Ill attempt to at least just clean...

Been Awhile

2004-10-13T02:31:02Z

Wow.. it's been awhile... let's see... 16.. car.. drive.. junior.. all that shit... and yet here I am.. completely not happy... i have no idea who i am.. school is just a blur in the day... BLAH.. really like this guy... kinda sorda have a past... never dated or anything.. but yeah.. reall y really like him.. and yeah.. can't have him... fucking a... im sorry... yeah.. im complaing.. but jesus fucking christ i need someone... maybe hed help me figure out who i am.. whatever.. ugh, evertyhing is so confusing... it's taking way too fucking long for the meds to work on my face... and maybe thats why i feel this way.. they said the meds can make you depressed.. i dunno.. IM SO FUCKING CONFUSED>> WHAT THE HELL!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH

Another one...

2004-06-24T00:49:34Z

Another one to add to the list..

Another one

2004-06-23T04:55:15Z

Maybe I should start keeping a list of every guy I lose.. it's gotta be getting pretty lengthy..

Maybe I should just give up.. start learning to live alone..

I dunno..